I cannot believe it has been over a week since last I wrote. It feels like many, many things have happened!. I had the great pleasure of watching a Blue Jays vs Mariners game in the flesh with my older son, my odometer read 77,777 for a single mile, I experimented with more types of cultured dairy in my diet, I was gifted *glorious* Chanterelles and enjoyed them immensely in a sautee…(then in an omelet…and in then in soup!), I lacto-fermented new-to-me combinations, I got to watch my little guy play soccer, I created an infrared sauna nook at my studio, I saw a fabulous production of Blithe Spirit starring my friend, I ate heartily and with gusto at every meal, I had my last official fasting group call (there’s a membership that has weekly group calls and coaching that I will likely continue because the mana of the group was so deeply nourishing), I visited some precious Nigerian dwarf goats and got to experiencing milking, I made yogurt from that milk, I made kefir from heavy cream and kefir grains, I made swoonworthy cultured cream, I experimented with new soup recipes (asparagus, thai chicken curry, and a butternut/acorn/sweet potato soup), made some pear applesauce, made 4 quarts of raw milk yogurt in the instant pot with different starters (the yogurt starter firmed up the most), had unbelievable thrift store fortune (new post fast body needs clothes that fit!), attended a tai chi class in Bellingham, reconnected with some wonderful people, AND had a CT scan, a bone scan, and a surgical consult in one day. I feel like I’m big wave surfing cosmic energy. I feel so good. I feel signs all around me all the time. I feel my life force, my appetite, my passion for life. I wanted to wait to give a big update once I had more concrete information to share- and today, I do.

Medical Update

I’ll begin with the medical stuff first- because I know that so many of you have been checking in and thinking about me. Know that I have never felt better in my entire life. I am gaining a little weight- I finished the fast at 107 lbs, and now I am around 116. I am enjoying this lightness of being while simultaneously eating such unbelievably satisfying food. The delayed gratification of the fermentation makes each bite of sauerkraut sing through my whole body. Last week I had a CT- no metastasis! Some enlargement within the right breast, but it has not spread. I had to wait a few days for a bone scan- the kindly tech Kevin told me that I would set off radioactive alarms for 3 days following the injection of the tracer. Fascinating. Both tests were minimally invasive. I just took a 40 minute nap for the bone scan, and I was in and out of the CT office in 15 minutes. Anyways- after the bone scan, I was lucky enough to get a last minute appointment with a lovely breast surgeon in Bellingham. She presented me with a binder of all my imaging, breast surgery resources, and a detailed explanation of exactly what was going on with my cancer. I told her my intention: to receive an aesthetic flat closure double mastectomy and continue to address the situation metabolically. She explained standard of care, I acknowledged that I understood, and she said that if the bone scan was clear, that we would move forward with a surgery date of November 18th initially but then had to reschedule to December 1st. I have another consult with a breast surgeon at Fred Hutch in Seattle on November 3rd- I will likely go with whomever can get me in the soonest. On the way home, I got the result that my bone scan was normal! Hallelujah- surgery is a go. She said it would take about 4 hours and that there was some risk of right arm neurological issues or lymphedema because of the axillary (armpit) lymph node involvement- she said about 40% can have issues- but to me, that reads that 60% don’t, so I’m going to feed those odds ;). I felt like she was patient, informative, supportive, and confident. Going flat will be a big change, but honestly, there are parts I’m looking forward to! Recovery time is greatly reduced with no reconstruction. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a tattoo. I probably won’t… but maybe!

Slowing down to process the fast

My reflections upon my fast are fond. I don’t feel like I suffered at all. I feel like it was this tremendous gift of retreat that I so desperately wanted and needed. It’s crazy how it takes something like cancer to actually advocate for what we truly want and need. For the first two weeks, I made lots of pysanky, practiced tai chi, read many books, played music…then the last two weeks, I dreamt about food. I stayed in bed for long stretches of the day watching food and cooking videos, learning the techniques I was going to implement once I started refeeding. I watched Tampopo the night I conceived the idea for this blog! Babette’s Feast the night before. I listened to Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential the following day. Youtube videos of ramen soup techniques… low carb meal ideas. I felt like I was absorbing the essence of the images I saw. I slept A LOT. I showered..no soap or shampoo. I looked forward to the peppermint flavor of my toothpaste. The taste in my mouth was needing something, haha. My sense of smell was also unbelievably acute. There was a bouquet of flowers that had started to get slimy in its vase- that morning, I walked out of the room on my way to the scale (checking daily weight, BP, Pulse, Ketones, Glucose, GKI, etc.), but the odor emanating from the decomposing stems sent me into a gagging fit that lasted 5 minutes. Later, my mom came by to bring me something, and I asked her if it was as gross as it seemed- she said it wasn’t anything crazy. Relativitiy, eh? What a trip.

I felt really even keeled most of the time. The times that I would break down was from overwhelming beauty. Then there was this moment during our daily group calll with one of the emotional healing coaches on one of the last days- I was in the car tuning in while we were driving back from the baseball game (I wasn’t driving…) and he leaned into something I didn’t know I was holding on to. It was a deep wound of conditional self-love. I feel like somewhere along the line, I became unable to let the love in because on some level; I felt unworthy to receive it. I felt like I didn’t live up to something good enough to allow it in. But then the truth flooded in, how that was false, and that I didn’t need to do a damn thing to let the love in. That it has always been there, that it always will be, and that it just is. No requirements. No indebtedness, no expectations, no quid pro quo. This pure nectar of unconditional love shook my whole body with awakening. I felt so much lighter. My inner preciousness had been restored to me in a deeper way, and I embraced my sadness, my fear, my pain, my isolation, and my humiliation. I then gently released them because they were not mine to carry anymore. This onion of healing, of peeling back the layers to give breathing room to the places within us that are suffocating, what a twisty turvy adventure! I know I am guided by my heart’s intelligence, and I know that all is well <3 but sometimes it gets INTENSE!

Sacred Culture Society… you in?

On another note- one of my good friends told me that her former partner’s brother started a silly Gnome Church that now has thousands of followers all over the world. He ordains them as ministers for free, and he even wrote a book! This lighthearted take on a religious group made me giggle. I thought, “Hey, I should start a church called The Sacred Culture Society, and our sacrament could be eating healthy community dinners together that are focused around traditional foods we prepare together.” There could be chapters all over the world that echo similar values of whole, nutritious food, learning, regenerative agriculture, fermentation, intergenerational social community time, and fun! I feel like it would be a big win win win all around. The starter for this culture is gratitude! And when we feed it with work that heals our bodies, nourishes our community, and keeps the best of the old ways alive, it will bless us all! I’m going to keep thinking about this… if you have any thoughts or ideas, let me know!! I bought the domain http://www.sacredculturesociety.org&#8230; oh the possibilities!

Food!

Now for some food reflections-If you want to heal your gut, you’ve got to sort some shit out! That’s the job of the small intestine, anyways- refining our absorption… which is literally sorting shit out from what we absorb for further processing. The process of cooking the meat stock, then straining and sorting the veggies, meat, bones, skin, and nibbly bits soothes some deep part of my soul. Using tongs and shiny bowls that make music when they bump into things, knowing that floppy skin is going to be crisped up momentarily, enjoying the softness with which the cooking has endowed the meat. I included chicken feet in this batch! Something new I did this week was take all the cartilagenous pieces I sorted and put them into my Vitamix with some meat stock, blending until smooth. I then added it to the asparagus soup I made. This soup called for milk and sour cream- what I substituted was the raw milk yogurt I had made for the milk, and the homemade cultured cream for the sour cream. The way the flavors blended with the asparagus created a completely new taste profile. The soup was tangy, bright, with a warm, satisfying chicken stock base. It felt truly alive. I also made a delicious Thai chicken curry soup- I used two serrano peppers and several of these amazing long, red, sweet Italian Frying peppers I found at the Skagit Co-op. All the canned coconut milk I had at home contained guar gum which is a no-no on my food list. I took organic dried coconut flakes and soaked them in boiling water for 10 minutes, then I blended them with the soaking water until smooth, then strained out the liquid with a nut milk bag. I retained the coconut meat to try to make some chaffles later (stay tuned for the post on those!). Red curry paste, fresh lemongrass, tender chicken chunks, galangal ginger, kefir lime leaves, and lime zest/juice combined with the chicken meat stock made for a spicy, creamy, bright, and satisfying soup. Winter squash was a late addition to our food guide- but because of its higher sugar content, it needs to be used sparingly for people healing from cancer. Our neighbors gave us garden grown butternut and acorn squashes, so I melted ghee and poured it all over cubes of the squashes and a sweet potato and roasted them in the oven until tender. Add a little salt, pepper, garlic, and chicken stock- whir of the immersion blender- and a beautiful orange, quintessential fall soup is born.

The fermented dairy is riveting. Let’s talk yogurt first. I attempted 4 quarts of yogurt, each using a different starter, in the instant pot. I heated the raw milk to 110 degrees, poured it into the jars, and whisked in the starters: yogurt from White Mountain Bulgarian, raw milk whey, a starter packet, and pasteurized yogurt whey. I put a warm water bath around the sealed jars, checked the temp- it was holding at 110 degrees F- and let them sleep for 24 hours. Then I tried my hand at kefir made with organic vat pasteurized heavy cream (different from ultra pasteurized). It was easier because you didn’t have to heat the milk. When I received my little jar of milk kefir grains, I thought something was wrong- they looked so tiny and shriveled. The recipe called for 2 tablespoons- but what was in the jar just barely would fill a teaspoon. I said what the heck, and I dumped it all inside and covered the jar with a folded cheesecloth and rubber band. After 24 hours, it still looked really liquidy. Then I checked it the next day and it had transformed into this beautiful rich tangy creamy magnificence. I made some the next day with raw milk- lighter, also delicious.

Out and About

Now that I am emerging from the cocoon with more regularity, you may wonder how I sort out my eating on the fly. If I’m going to be gone overnight, I pack a cooler, my Bear electric hot pot lunch box, several jars of soup, a funnel, a 64 oz thermos, a jar of chicken, a jar of green onions, a jar of sauerkraut, a jar of kefir, a bowl, and a spoon. I feel that it is simple- less expensive than grabbing stuff out, better quality, and so satisfying. I wonder if part of the reason off island trips have been so exhausting in the past is because of the weird kinds of food we would eat. I was off island today for a soccer game, did my packed food thing, and felt really great all day. I’m still feeling great, and I’m edging midnight.

Feelings

Feelings are the most personal thing ever. All our lives, we navigate the border between the inner and outer worlds. A lot of times, it hurts to look inside, so we avoid it with dedicated enthusiasm. Years go by, we focus on the facade, but meanwhile the foundation is crumbling. First things first- feelings. This has been my journey- coming to terms with the way I experience and share feelings. Noticing what I didn’t notice before about boundaries, expectations, and ingrained attitudes. Sincerely taking time to be with myself, to acknowledge what I have experienced, and how it has made me feel. I witness patterns like the way my analytical mind draws me up in order to moderate my experience of inflammatory emotions and perhaps protect me from their chaotic intensity. This isn’t something I think about doing- it just happens- an instinct to create space between my Self and the fire, retreating into the cooler stratosphere of my mind until clarity returns. True healing often looks like destruction for a while. We must remember not to panic as all the structures we have grown to identify with buckle under their own weight and collapse into an exhausted heap. Nature provides- and just like the lactobacteria and yeasts we use to culture food to make it even more useful and scrumptious, there must be spiritual probiotics as well, eating up all the pain-in-the-ass moments of our lives, turning them into wisdom we can take to the bank. I wish you delicious dreams!