I wanted to write about what is happening before too much time passes and that window of freshness closes. On the 19th of December, I had my 2nd out of 4 AC chemotherapy infusion. Like last time, I fasted from Tuesday night after dinner all the way until Saturday morning. Like last time, I had no nausea or side effects. I also had them leave out the dexamethasone again (a really strong steroid that can help with nausea). I am so amazed and grateful I am feeling so well.

The one thing that did start to happen a day or so after the last infusion was hair loss. I could grasp a little tuft and gently yank, freeing dozens of strands from their follicles. No pain, no discomfort… but I definitely did not want to be shedding all over the place. Monday night, I asked Finn if he would be down to help shave my head. He has become quite the hairstyle aficionado- and he wanted to attempt a “mid taper fade” into an “8 guard buzz” with the clippers – and he did well! Then he just went for it with the lowest guard et voila! Hello, baldie! One of the funny synchronous comforts was Finn’s t-shirt featuring Tupac, scalp aglow.

It was giggles and glee for a while, but then there was a wave of emotional release and realization that washed over all of us. With my cute pixie cut, I still looked “normal”- but now, the bold look of baldness marks a definite shift into a new phase of this journey. The tears didn’t last long. I looked at myself in the mirror, and lo and behold- I was still there. Then I started to realize some of the perks!

These are the activities have been greatly improved by my hairlessness: 1) getting out of the shower- quick towel off and all done! No wet hair! 2) getting in and out of pullover sweaters and shirts, 3) strangely satisfying to rub, 4) great look to show off dangly earrings, 5) a whole world of interesting head scarves and turbans to explore, and 6) more energy for other stuff because omitting hair related duties has freed up my bandwidth. I am very excited to go swimming! Also, everyone brings up all the coolest bald people that I’m now in a club with (best one today was the Last Airbender!).

Hair means a lot to we humans. It is an outgrowth of something within. Losing it marks the end of an era and the beginning of something new. All my life, I felt empowered by my curly, blonde hair. I loved it. In the beginning of this cancer experience, I really feared the hair loss- what it might do to my mental health and self perception. What I didn’t know was that shaving my head would connect me with a part of myself that I love more fiercely than I could have imagined. I know that sounds cheesy. But it is me. No makeup. No highlights. No giant mane of glorious proportions. And all that energy that was externalized before has somehow returned to my interior and is helping me to nurture myself. <3

I give thanks to all of us, with all of our different hair. I witness the transformation of life within myself and allow what I don’t need to fall away.