I’m leaning into the wonderland of waiting. It is a strange limbo dimension in which it seems that life is suspended in some dreamlike mist. Last week I had some big appointments- medical oncology for a chemo plan, a PET scan, and an MRI of my brain. The imaging was done to ensure no detectable metastasis- this will inform the order of my treatments. The medical oncologist I met was lovely- smart, kind, and clear. Not only did I feel like she was an expert in her field, I also felt like she was able to hear me and support me in the way that I needed. The brain MRI came back clear (woohoo!!)- so hopefully tomorrow (Monday) we will have the all clear with the PET scan so I can proceed with my Dec. 1 surgery date. <3

Because the cancer cells in my breast have different characteristics (Estrogen positive and HER2 positive), the kind of chemotherapy they said I require will be particularly rigorous in order to target both. When the doctor went through the dosing schedule and possible side effects, it was a challenge for me to hold it together emotionally. She told me straight up it was going to be hard. If you know me, you know I love a good challenge… but this challenge seems like the last thing I really want to do. But if I’m to be a grandma one day, I suppose I must meet the challenges of today. So then we have to weigh and measure the desire for future outcomes as well as temper it with a healthy dose of non-attachment. Swallowing with the doctor gives you- medicine and truth- often involves a painful surrender. May the parts of me that are holding me back from truly living be dissolved by these strong medicines. And may all that remains form the foundation for a vibrant, creative, healthy, abundant, and love-filled life.

Update- Since I wrote this, I had a meeting with the surgeon. She echoed what the other two doctors had recommended. Chemo first, surgery second. Though I haven’t seen the PET myself, she said that it had reached a the 3rd level of lymph nodes, and that was enough for her to delay the surgery until after chemo. I was a little shattered… hoping so much to get the surgery out of the way while I feel so healthy and strong. But alas, I’m a stranger in a strange land… and this is what is done with this kind of aggressive inflammatory breast cancer. I don’t even want to write, “I’m trying to be positive…” the doctor assured me that it would be heavy duty. Probably 4-5 months of chemotherapy. These medications are hardcore. She said, “fight fire with fire.” ::shrugs shoulders:: I feel like I’m backed against a corner – between a part of me that wishes there were another way, and one that doesn’t want to take the chance of missing a lifesaving treatment. I know that sounds so stupid, too- but the toxicity of this treatment is severe…I love my body so much- I don’t want to put it through hell… but I love my boys…and I also love a robust quality of life…I know the only way across is through- so we shall have to take each day at a time.

Back to your scheduled programming…

Routines- Morning Water, Coffee Enema, Exercise, & Sauna

So…what do I do in the meanwhile? Well, I have been taking comfort in some routines. Around 5-6 am, I wake up, and before doing anything, I bless my water bottle (that I filled with 32 oz warm water the night before) and then chug the cleansing wonder beverage. Not more than 5 minutes later, nature calls, and the tide that I imbibed washes through me in a lovely peristaltic fashion. More reliable than coffee ever was… anyways… the night before, I also prep a coffee pot on a timer to be ready by 4:30 am… I cool down the coffee to 98 degrees, then I enjoy the inner experience of a coffee enema. Around 15 minutes total- side, back, side- then release. It’s so interesting- the waves of feeling almost remind me of contractions of giving birth. Like in order to hold it in, you have to go inside and diffuse the tension with your breath. You can’t be reading or on your phone or distracted- it is an inside job. Once all that business is taken care of, I sanitize the enema pot and tubing and then I’m ready to take on the day! I feel hydrated, light, and really good. I do the 32 oz water every day, but the coffee enema only when I’m at home. I look forward to the time with myself and feel that my body is thanking me for making time to practice. Then I like to get some exercise in… hiking and walking have been my favorites- and then a sauna… a shower. The angels are singing! My body rejoices. So what if one of my boobs looks rashy and swollen, haha. All in all- life is GOOD.

Food!

I usually will have some kind of food activity/fermentation chore every day. Many mornings, I’ll cook up some beautiful pastured bacon twists in the oven for the boys. I’ll strain my kefir from the day before’s ferment and make them a berry and banana smoothie with a little peanut butter and raw honey. Some mornings, I fast until later in the afternoon, but lately, I have been feasting with the sun. I’ll have a bowl of steaming soup, some creamy kefir with freshly ground flax, a small amount of kim chi, maybe a few eggs cooked in ghee, a little bacon if there’s any left… a piece of aged cheese or two. For real. I feast. I don’t hold back. I enjoy every mouthful. I lick my bowls. I never relished my food this much! The best days are meat stock making days, mostly because of the chicken skin crispies that are part of the process- haha… I need to bite the bullet and just order some chicken skins a la carte! I’m making some oxtail meat stock today to be a base for some French Onion soup later in the week…mmmm.

I made some GAPS cottage cheese and raw milk whey the other day- absolutely wonderful. You can buy gallons of raw milk at various Co-ops around- I got one at the Skagit Valley Co-op in Mt. Vernon- then poured it into 2 extra large glass jars, popped on the lids, then let it rest in our dark pantry for 5 days or so. There is a distinct chemical change that happens from one day to the next. It basically looks about the same consistency (you can tell there’s some fat at the top), but then suddenly, part of the raw milk solidifies and floats to the surface. I then strained it out using a nut milk bag for over a day- the cottage cheese was such an interesting texture! Mild and fresh smelling, super delicious. I massaged it a bit to work the yellowish fat layer into the white curd layer then jarred it up. Topped with a little olive oil, salt and pepper ::chef’s kiss::… would be amazing with dill or parsley… also tasty added to soups for a little creaminess and texture!

Sacred Culture Society!

I went to Costco the other day, and they had gorgeous, organic green cabbage 2 packs- I got 4 in the hopes of kicking off the Sacred Culture Society’s 1st kraut making party at some point in the very near future! A friend was telling me how fun/funny it would be if we went knocking door to door sharing the “good news,” kraut samples in hand. Let me know if you have any other good ideas for proselytizing. We are all about feeding that good culture with all the best stuff- food grown with love, made by hand, and shared with friends.

Sometimes it seems like everything happens all at once- and in a way, I think it’s on purpose. One of my best friends said that even though its a little crazy, that there are worse things I could be doing to cope than “throwing myself into soup.” Haha. This week, I intend to hammer out the mission statement and values of the SCS and what it means to be a member. I need to obtain an EIN and open up a bank account. I want to map out an easy path for opening chapters in different places. The website will feature core recipes, technique videos, testimonials, links, and more. If you’re into this, let me know! And let me know how you could see yourself helping!

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I know a lot of this is heavy. The emotions of it come in waves. Most of the time I’m calm and relaxed, then occasionally I get hit with some realization or feeling and it makes me cry. Then I’m okay again. Focusing on the food and nourishment has been such a highlight of this fraught time… It has felt so wonderful to get back to teaching tai chi this past week. Hopefully I feel great throughout chemo and continue to do so! I had a thought to attend an online GAPS practitioner training this winter so that by the time I’m on the other side of this healing adventure, I’d have another tool to offer the community and beyond (and something constructive to focus on in the meanwhile!). IMUA… it is all I know. ALOHA and thank you for reading my thoughts.